In an exciting Brit Awards update, Gobshout News can confirm that Macca divorcee Heather Mills has been drafted in to host this years Brit Awards after Matthew Horne, James Corden and Kylie Minogue dropped out. At a press conference given today, Corden justified their decision by saying; ‘We’re too big for this fucking shit now. Ain’t you seen the ratings for Gavin and Stacey? We had our own Christmas special on BBC One for fuck’s sake! And don’t you know who my friends are? I’m A List baby! It’s the Oscars or nothing for me now.’
Kylie went on to say she was only doing it because she fancied the chubby comedian. She said; 'Jimbo was the only reason I was doing it in the first palce. Without him it's a complete waste of time. We all know the winners will be shit anyway.'
Panicking Brits bosses had to move fast to replace the trio, but were very pleased with managing to persuade Heather Mills to compere the bash. Asked by Gobshout News if she represents something of a risk, Brits chiefs said: 'Nonsense! We've had her leg varnished with a protective coating so there is no chance of it catching fire. Touch wood.'
They also denied they were being deliberately controversial in a bid to boost TV ratings.
'If her appearance gives the ratings a bit of a leg up then that is very nice, but that's not why we wanted her.
'We want her because she is of interest to the public. It also ticks a few boxes on the equal opportunities form, which always helps. We did ask Stevie Wonder and that drummer from Def Leppard, but they weren't available.
‘The only problem is our insurance premiums have gone through the roof! We’ve had to reinforce all the stages, and add rails to every walkway. Next year I'm saying sod it to Equal Oppurtunities, and going back to basics with Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood.'
Posted In Gobshout News, Feb 12 2009.
Words - Karen