Ok, the first thing that should always be mentioned when speaking about Rock Ness is the scenery.  It is without doubt the most spectacular setting for any  festival I have ever had the pleasure of attending. 


Behind the main stage you have the stunning vista of Loch Ness opening up, surrounded by mountains on either side.  Words or even these pictures won’t do it justice so I won’t even try.  Instead I would recommend that you get your arse up here and see it for yourself.  (Note to Scottish Tourist Board – you can use that as a slogan if you like.  I reckon it would work!) 

 

The setting may differ but the pre-festival festival routine is probably the same the world over.  Load up car with gear. Get to supermarket, buy bog roll, baby wipes, sun cream, water and as much alcohol as it is possible to carry.  If appropriate hide weed/glass bottles or any other illicit items.  Enter campsite and try not to shit yourself walking by the police/sniffer dog.  Even if you are carrying nothing (as I was) you still live in fear of that little bastard.  Can I say at this juncture Mr Officer, I don’t think sniffer-dogs is playing fair.  There is, no doubt, many an otherwise law-abiding citizen who has been caused a great deal of anxiety over getting caught with not very much.  Still, one supposes they are only enforcing the law.


Friday was easily the quietest day; it is really a two and a half day festival as it wasn’t going at full pelt the first day.  Dance areas and beer tents were open during the day but the whole site was never really any more than half empty even towards the end.  This may be for a couple of reasons: -

a. It is still in its infancy,

b. Loch Ness ain’t  an easy place to get to on a Friday night

c.  The headline acts for Friday were hardly the biggest names.

As there were only two bands on the main stage we thought we would catch them both.  The Aliens, ex-Beta Band members opened up the festival in their home country.   An excellent opening act who would have thrived on a bigger crowd.   Front-man Gordon Anderson bounced and karate-kicked his way through an energetic set, he stopped at one point to remark how beautiful our country is and chastised that  64% of us Scots never even visit it.  ‘Get out and see it’ he said before starting the opening of the fine ‘Magic Man’.  Wise words.

 

Next up were the (ahem) headline act The Flaming Lips.  Now I had seen them once before and was far from impressed but being the kind-hearted soul that I am and in the (festival) spirit of goodwill I thought I would give them another chance.  Don’t get me wrong, Wayne Coyne is charismatic and they put the money into the stage effects, but that apart they have nothing but the odd good tune (including fair’s fair - a brilliant cover of Madonna’s ‘Borderline’).  The Flaming Lips are style over substance, loads of gimmicks which, when coupled with a lacklustre performance, add up to not very much.  Oh and as for those fuckers dressed as teletubbies jumping around at each side of the stage… they want clubbing they do.  They certainly do not entice me to join in.  Wayne, lose them twats and get back to being a band, not a gimmick. I do not need some nonentity in a teletubby suit telling me to jump around.  It is your music that is supposed to make me do that.  Ok, I think I made my point.

 

The festival would start proper tomorrow and let me assure you that we were taking our roles as festival correspondents very seriously.  A few quiet beers, early night to awake refreshed and in fine condition to cover the days events.  Nope, there would be none of that bollocks.  Instead we fully embraced the festival spirit, rattling beers, vodka  and whatever else was around.  No monster to report so far but Mickey Mouse did put in appearance; we also had some bloke doing a doctorate going round asking people to fill out questionnaires for his PhD. A festival first. – Na fuck off mate I am not interested.  Only kidding Duncan!

 

The next day after way not enough kip, and looking and feeling like the walking dead,  we headed for the one pub in the nearby village of Dores in search of a proper pint and loos.   It really is amazing the medicinal powers of a couple of Guinness, I swear they should have it on the national health  – a few of pints of the black stuff and that zombie-like figure that wandered in just hours earlier spent 10 minutes laughing uncontrollably because ‘ness’ comes up ‘mess’ in predictive text.  It was three pm and I sure was in a hell of a rock mess.

Still onward and upward, back to the site to see only the most important man in UK hip hop - Mr Dizzee Rascal.  Not my favourite genre but I still know greatness when I see it.  If anyone had got the crowd going crazy so far it was Dizzee.  Accompanied by DJ Semtex providing the beats Dizzee shows with tunes like ‘Fix Up Look Sharp’ and ‘Just a Rascal’ that he is ahead of his peers by the length of Loch Ness.  The set was interrupted by a couple of bell-ends fighting at the front before Dizzee put them in their place.  Twats.  This was a minor blip though in a fantastic set.  Final song 'Bonkers', you will not be surprised to learn, was not only the best song in his set but the greatest moment of the festival thus far.

 

For the headline, my mate Ant (the cameraman) would have fancied seeing Basement Jaxx but as it was Orbital’s first live set in around six years I had to pull rank.  Awesome they were, opening with tracks from most people’s favourite - ‘The Brown Album’ playing from Lush through to Remind.  This’ll mean nowt other than to those in the know so the rest of you will have to take my word that this is a good thing.  Think of The Stones playing ‘Their Satanic Majesties Request’, or Nickelback playing… ok forget that one.

 

Alas, I have but one complaint.  They have an amazing  tune called ‘Style’ which samples bagpipes.  Er hello…Mcfly!!  We’re in fucking Loch Ness here!  You got a fantastic tune with bagpipes and you don’t play it?  You could have slipped it in somewhere (I was convinced they were either going to open or close with it).  They did though play all the biggies, 'The Box', 'Chime', 'Belfast' and their version of the Doctor Who theme, but no, no bagpipe one.  Still I’ll get over it.  See you in September at Brixton.

 

Day three and I finally realised why I felt so jaded the previous day.  Due to having a year off festivals last year I had become a lily livered lounge lubber and it had taken me two days to become a battle hardened festival goer again.  I always think at festivals if you spend your whole time running around trying to see bands you tend not to enjoy it.  You gotta take time to sit back and soak it all in.  It also works as a good excuse for sitting on your arse!  We took our places near the front of the main stage for The Complete Stone Roses, a great shout for an afternoon slot.  The real Roses are probably the best loved band of my generation because they split up - not despite it.  As a result you will have to make do with acts like The Complete Stone Roses and fair play to them they look and sound just like the real thing.

Other things which should be mentioned in dispatches are the scary looking Monster Truck on the campsite, it looked liked something from judgement day as it blasted out dirty anthems like '99 Problems' and RATM’s ‘Killing In The Name Of’

We were also charged with coming up with finding the most ridiculous slogan on a t-shirt.  There seems to be a penchant for this recently.  ‘I’m a c*nt’ was particularly charming, as was ‘Show me your tits’ but one imagines a proud dad wave his daughter goodbye as she goes to the festival with ‘Easy Fuck’ emblazoned on her sweatshirt.

And so to the finale.  Is there a better band to close a festival than The Prodigy? Nay, nay and thrice nay!!  I kinda think they went a bit wayward since ‘Fat of the land’ becoming a bit too hard for a festival vibe.   They seem to have returned to their electronic roots, live Maxim doesn’t scream so much and they have just released some of their best tunes in years.  As a proud follower since the rave days it is great to see them back to their best, it also great to see a new generation of Prodigy fans witnessing what is again for me the greatest live band on the planet.  Best moment?  Of the whole weekend it was undoubtedly the closing song  ‘Out of Space’.  For me, my mate and everyone else who witnessed it.  Fantastic.  

 

So Rockness, how does it stand in the pantheon of British festivals?  What it has going for it apart from the setting is a crowd who get on it from the start instead of waiting to be won over.  Southerners must be sick of hearing this but as someone who has lived on both sides of the border I can assure you it is true.  

 

The down side?

I was going to complain about a highly visible police presence but I have since read how thefts were down from 95 to 5 this year.  I suppose a friendly or even unfriendly bobby is better than some toe-rag nicking your gear.

The A9.  I wouldn’t fancy this as the last leg of a journey from England so if you are going by car I’d recommend a stop off on the way.  Well worth the extra day.  Oh and don’t listen to all that bollocks about the Scots being anti-English, take it from me that non-Scots will be afforded a great welcome.  (Might be best to leave that England shirt at home though!)  People tend to stick to festivals they know which is kind of a shame.  After all it is a great chance to visit other parts of the country and meet new people.

With the people like Carling and Bestival involved, Rock Ness will go from strength to strength.  Scotland used to have one great festival, now it has two. 

Thanks to all at Get Involved - Another fine Rock Mess you got me into!

 

Pics courtesy of my mate Ant (the photographer).

 

           

  

  

Posted In Festivals, Jun 20 2009. Words - Thomas