Following some recent car trouble (or the complete disregard for motoring rules from some old biddy, possibly named Mavis) I have been forced to endure the hazardous wasteland that is listening to the radio instead of my prized CD collection. My war with the wireless has been going on for a few months now, and I’m slowly approaching the end of my tether. But it’s not all bad, even a pessimist such as myself can see that. But is it more good than bad?

Firstly, I mostly listen to Xfm, unless the GF is in the car, in which case I have to endure Radio 1. The things we do for a spot of heavy petting. During ad breaks (or if Steve Harris is on) I see what else is available, but mostly find myself returning to the X. If I’m working late, on the way home John Kennedy is a must, but I do hop between the great man himself and Ian Lee’s show, just for the sheer hilarity of some of the people who call in.

Jeez Louise, we don’t care about that, get to the music!! Seeing as I like to listen to a lot of unknown bands, listening to the radio has put me back in touch with the mainstream, and the results are shocking. I remember when Plan B was rapping about stabbing people on their doorsteps like Jill Dando, but now he croons like a chav Michael Buble, (whose bird is simply stunning by the way. Just thought you should know), and has a number one album. The shocking thing is that it’s bloody good. Never saw that one coming.

MGMT, after a couple of good singles, now deem themselves worthy to release an album without any singles. It worked for Radiohead, but really? MGMT? Methinks they should drop some acid, wear ridiculous sunglasses, and moonwalk off the end of a pier into the mouths of a passing killer whale.

In better news, Kasabian are still appalling. Can’t believe how apeshit people went over West Country Cyndi Lauper Lunatic Asylum, or whatever it was called. They’re a shocking band, riding the coattails of Liam Gallagher’s eyebrows. Mind you, Club Foot was good, but how long ago was that? Almost as long as Keane have been similarly shite, but what’s this? Their latest song is strangely appealing! I could well see myself in a field, drunk on cider, high on life amongst other things, belting this out, though the last time I tried such a thing those 11 a side teams didn’t see the funny side of it.

“Coming up next, Delphic!”

Enough to tighten the sphincter of even the most gaping duck.

And then there’s the constant fascination with Arctic Monkeys. Yes, their first album was amazing, and I would defend it to the death, as long as the death wasn’t mine. Old Yellow Bricks off the second album was decent, but I wasn’t overwhelmed. The third album is depressingly... depressing. My Propeller makes me want to slit the wrists of the nearest traffic warden. Crying Lightning doesn’t sound like anything. Just anything. Yes they might have turned a bit prog, and are seen as serious musicians. Fuck that. I want to hear songs about people getting shagged behind clubs and clever lyrics that include the words Twitter, Apple Sambuca, and Juicy Fruit. Take your propeller and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Hull should do it.

Also, ten years later, pirate radio speed garage stations are still going strong, yet still playing the same songs. Nobs.

So if anyone can recommend any decent stations to me, or can just recommend some self help techniques, I would repay them with all the Toffee Crisps I have at my disposal. Much love.

Posted In Features, Oct 14 2010. Words - Paul