With the recent spat of Oscar-winning biopics showing no
sign of slowing, and rumours of Jeff Buckley and Frank Sinatra films going into
production, I was led to consider which of today’s musical ragbags would be the
best subject of a movie in 20 years time. To try and reduce the playing field
however, and because we know for a fact that there will inevitably be celluloid
recollections of older statesmen like Morrissey, Iggy, Bowie, Richards et al,
we are going to set an age-limit of them not being more than forty. It’s a
young persons game innit?

     

First up, and probably the most
obvious in the current climate are tabloid urchins Doherty and Winehouse.  Both stories are glued together by great
tunes and there is the requisite sex and drugs content needed to deliver a full
on Hollywood turnaround.   Doherty’s also
got the problems with his Dad to add a smattering of emotion and a fine
backstory, whilst with Winehouse there is her relationship with the elusive
Blake to pull at the ‘ticker strings.  However, can we be confident that either of
these will achieve the necessary to make this Hollywood ending or will, as is the danger at the moment (especially with Doherty) they just tail off into mid-table obscurity?   This isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world-better to have loved and lost and all that- but what we’re looking
for at the moment is someone who’s already
got the story wrapped up, with an ending intact, and I'd like to try and stay clear of gloomy predictions about those two if at possible.

     

For a similar, albeit less dramatic, reasons Arctic
Monkeys have to be passed over.  Sure, they
were the first ‘Myspace Band’ and they have released some damn fine music, but
they’re not there yet and nothing that exciting (other than the music) has happened to them.  For similar reason
we can discount Oasis, though the break-up and reformation of Blur puts them on a stronger
footing.  A triumphant set at Glastonbury
would sure make a fine precursor to the film credits, and the bands well known
tales of excess and alcoholism would perform a sold backdrop to an emotional
return to the big time.

       

One idea that does spring to mind
is Bon Iver,  formed as the story of his
seminal For Emma, Forever Ago already
is.  Its got a beginning, a middle and a
happy ending.  Its got incredible
heartache, illness and woodland vista’s. 
It might not be as red-top friendly as messrs  Doherty and Winehouse, but goddamit there’s a
story there ,a weeper with hope, and it whatever happens in his career now that story is forever preserved.

     

Yet, yet ,there’s something not
quite clicking, and one can’t help turning the mind to the bigger fish for there
lurk the biggest stories off all and, more importantly, the personalities to match.  Jay-Z
springs immediately to mind. It must be him surely, the biggest fish of them all? 
Crackdealer turned rapper, turned music and business mogul, turned
husband of most desired popstar on the planet, turned triumphant performer of
most controversial performance in history of the worlds most important music
festival (Glastonbury, in case you’ve been living underwater for the past year).  Its all there;  all the ingredients, plus the fact that Jay-Z
actually seems to be a fairly decent man and makes some pretty incredible
music.

     

Still, suitable as Jay-Z is (and no
doubt will be) one name has hovered in the recesses of my mind whilst writing
this, and I’ve been trying to convince myself throughout that its not the one.
Yet, as I alight at the point where a conclusion has to be made regarding this
pretty tenuous premise, I can’t help but think it is the right decision, the right name.  And that name is Britney.

      

Britney! You shout.  Surely not! 
And I would empathise, because her music is pretty terrible and she
clearly, perhaps understandably, a bit of a knob.  But here surely is a story for our
times. Observe:

Alleged hick virgin indecently arouses the Western worlds male population dressed as schoolgirl before hooking up with boyband boyfriend and becoming
biggest popstar in the world.   It transpires pretty hick virgin is definitely not
a virgin, then breaks up with boyfriend and kisses female ex-biggest pop star in the
world.  She then marries an old
schoolfriend when pissed in Vegas before embarking on a tumultuous relationship
with a cotton-headed chimp, has two ridicously named hick kids, gets chubby, develops
drug and alcohol problems, shaves head (whilst letting paparazzi film), enters
into a relationship with member of paparazzi, loses custody of said
amusingly-named children, before overcoming hair, drugs and alcohol problems to
embark on a world tour where she looks nothing less than stunning the whole
time.  And all the while keeping going a
pop career that, whilst stuttering at intervals, has never left her fans behind.

      

So there we are, you can't argue with the facts. Britney may not
be the coolest choice, but if you want two hours of the lot; sex , drugs,
(almost) rock n’ roll, love, loss ,triumph, public humiliation (don’t forget
that MTV Awards appearance), personal disaster and more, Britney is your gal.  Now for the name.  How about
Oop’s She’s Done It Again??

Who would you pick?  Britney? Chris? Marilyn? Chery? HERE'S the place to talk about it!

Posted In Features, May 21 2009. Words - Kai